Dude, do you actually know how a relay works?
Pins 85 and 86 are either side of a coil. It makes absolutely no difference which side gets 12v and which side gets grounded. Once those conditions are met, the coil magnetically pulls the contact from pin 87a (Normally Closed) to 87 (Normally Open).
So to reiterate, connect 12V to either pin 85 or 86, doesn't matter which. Then connect one of the AUX output wires to the other pin (85 or 86). That takes care of the coil side of the relay. Now to get power to your lights (or any other 12V load), connect 12V to either pin 87 or 30 (again, it doesn't matter), then connect the 12V side of your lights to the other pin (87 or 30). Both 12V wires need to be fused. I normally run a wire of sufficient gauge to support the load (with fuse inline) to pin 87, then jumper that to pin 85 or 86. Then run that same gauge wire to the lights or other load from pin 30.
If you have any other questions, please let me know. I've been doing this for a long time and I even went to school for Electrical Engineering, so I think I know a thing or two about electronics.